Hi Tina, I'm a 30-year-old woman and when I was in college, I met someone who became a really good friend. Just after I left college, I was lucky enough to be left an inheritance and was able to buy a house.
My friend asked if she could move in, of course, I was happy to help, and for the past seven years she has paid a nominal rent of €50 a week plus half the bills, the rent has never gone up.
I've never asked and she's never offered, although she's in a good job and takes a couple of good holidays a year.
In the last year, she has become quite domineering, and when I have friends over, she tends to take over the evening. If we go out, it's always what she wants to do, and because she has depression, I tend to give in.
I have one particularly good lifelong friend who has completely taken over. They have now become more than just friends, and she stays over a couple of nights a week.
They are rather vocal in their lovemaking which I find embarrassing and rather awkward. I actually had no idea either of them was gay.
She also suffers from depression and they have very similar tastes in everything, food, cinema etc., completely the opposite to me, so basically I have been cut out of their socialising now.
I feel now that I am being used, and so would either like her to leave or give me the going rate for a tenant to her landlord. What do you think?
Tina's response:
This is an awkward situation because you've been friends for so long. If it is solely for financial reasons, I agree with you entirely. €50 a week, especially now you have a second lodger, two nights a week, is a ridiculously low rent in this day and age, especially when she has a well-paid job and can afford a couple of holidays a year, you are basically paying for her holidays!
If you are only upping the rent to punish her because you're feeling left out, this alone is not an appropriate reason; forget about that angle and get your head around being reasonably compensated for your lodgings.
It would be a pity to lose two very good friends over it, although this aside, she would have to up her game considerably in including you from time to time if she's still supposed to be your friend, regardless of the money issue.
If she doesn't want your friendship, then her living in your home is solely a business transaction, and you needn't be embarrassed; she needs to be paying more rent, you are not a charitable organisation.
I actually think it's brilliant that these two people have met each other when they have so much in common.
You should take this opportunity to let your friend move on, as she seems to be dominating your life half the time and ignoring you the other half.
Broaden your own circle of friends so you can enjoy going out with like-minded friends and having some fun.
You never know, if they get on so well both mentally and physically, they may end up renting a place together, giving you the opportunity to get a tenant to pay you some real rent, which would be a win, win all round.
In the meantime, I would be inclined to let them come to you rather than you chase after them for socialising and again, I really feel it's time for you to find some friends with the same interests as you to hang out with, that way I think you'll all get on a lot better if you're not so dependent on each other.
Finally, one way or the other, you have been used for too long by someone you thought of as a good friend; it's time to grasp the nettle and get yourself some decent rent.
If you have a problem and you want Tina's advice, email: asktinak@gmail.com.
