Hello Tina, I am a 42 year old woman and over the years I have had 5 long term relationships with married men.
I realise that sounds strange, especially since I was always the one who ended up getting hurt, I knew exactly how this scenario went but for some stupid reason thought each time would have a different outcome.
None of them ever gave me a commitment to leave their wives but still, it was such a disappointment after years of being happy together when we eventually broke up. I did love each and every one of them in different ways and that's why the extreme sadness always hit home so hard.
I don't know what's wrong with me, why I'm attracted to people who are already taken and the fact that I can't find somebody who is free to commit to me.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Tina's response:
I always remember my brother advising me that, amongst other things, a married man is the easiest date to get as long as you're not looking for a long term relationship, there are many of them who would be most willing to oblige any woman who was willing to oblige!
For a lot of women, this suits them, there's no commitment, no washing dirty socks, there's evenings out, albeit in remote places you have never visited before, possible midweek jollies away under the guise of business trips, riotous sex and, it's easy to get out of the relationship when you get fed up, you can play the guilt card or that you have met someone who is available 24/7 and can afford to be seen in public, any of those excuses will do when you've finally had enough and want to move on but in your case, it's never been you who was looking to exit.
On the downside, there is no commitment and it's easy for the married man to get out of the relationship if the lady in question doesn't play by the rules and starts making waves.
The married party usually never promised anything permanent from the start, they were just looking for some light entertainment…some afternoon delight!
Of course there are cases where the couple end up living a blissfully happy life together but then, that can entail sadness and hardship for the husband/wife or partner left behind to pick up the pieces, especially if there are children involved.
On the other hand, if the marriage has been an unhappy one, I’m a firm believer in calling it a day for everyone's sake. It's dreadful for children to grow up in an unhappy household, personally I feel it's much better to have two happy parents living apart.
The problem for you is these men were never free in the first place, they belonged to somebody else and you knew that from the off so, why were you attracted to them when you knew you wanted more?
As each one of these new relationships started after the first one crashed, you knew that the end result would more than lightly be you being miserable and alone and yet you continued in self destruct mode. I should imagine any of your married girlfriends who know what you're up to, live in fear of you coming to their houses with the possibility of stealing their husbands.
You are now 42 and you've had time alone to think of your life going forward and how lonely it will possibly be unless you decide to completely change your strategy and your requirements. Your worth so much more than just always being second best.
You are at an age where there are divorcees and widowers back on the market... still originally someone else's husband but that person is no longer around so no guilt trips for either party but, you have to be prepared to hear heartfelt stories about a departed wife, just because they are not around anymore doesn't mean they are no longer loved or forgotten about so you have to be understanding if you want to keep him…his departed wife is not a threat.
I do know it's not easy meeting new men but I would put the word out with your friends, maybe their husbands or boyfriends have suitable male friends you could make up a table for dinner with.
Finally, you have to be honest with yourself, do you actually have a fear of committing to one person and this is why you keep going for the unavailable, so you don't feel tied down or trapped?
If so, not being in a relationship but being a happy single without all the heartbreak could be the answer you're actually looking for. It all depends on building a really good social life with friends.
You can't honestly say you've been the life and soul of the party being hidden away on furtive dates with these men for years. Yes, I know you missed each one as the relationship ended but part of that is because they were all you had for amusement, you weren't out and about with a lively crowd, you were hidden away.
I know many ladies of your age and older, some who have been married, some single all their lives who are more than happy to now only have themselves to think about without all the drama, I know I am!
If you have a problem and you want Tina's advice, email: asktinak@gmail.com.
