Hi, I wonder if you could give me some advice please? I've been with my partner for the last 10 years, we are now both in our mid thirties and we're very happy together, until now.
Like every couple we've had our ups and downs in the past but he always made it quite clear that I was the only girl he wanted to marry and have children with.
However, the years have gone by and we haven't even gotten engaged. Every Christmas and anniversary I get myself excited and think, this time but nothing ever happens.
It really crushes me when instead of an engagement ring, I get some cheap present or dinner in the local pub and I'm supposed to be elated with that!
Two years ago, when both his brother and sister had babies, he finally told me he didn't want to have children at all and he doesn't see the point of marriage, that we are just fine as we are. I really thought he might change his mind when he saw these babies growing into toddlers but not a bit of it.
I would dearly love children and to be a mother, but I feel I have invested too many years in this relationship to back out now. I love him more than I can say but because of this I don't like him and am totally confused as to what I should do.
My main problem is that his parents have been making very pointed suggestions to me anytime there is a baby on television or we're out. His mother in particular always makes a huge fuss of any babies she comes across and drags me in to admire them. I always feel it's very pointed towards me and the fact I haven't produced a grandchild for her.
Would it be wrong of me to ask my boyfriend to tell his parents that he's the one that doesn't want to have children?
Tina's response:
Wow, what a controlling and manipulative family you have got yourself entangled in.
Left to me, I certainly wouldn't be asking him to tell his parents anything. That gentleman seems to be far too much in control of your life as it is. He makes extremely important promises that he doesn't keep which affects your whole life and happiness going forward and, he doesn't remotely take you into consideration despite blatantly lying to you about wanting both marriage and children with you.
What if he tires of you and you have left it too late to start a family with someone more loving and trustworthy? What if he meets a new lady and she is more persuasive on the marriage/baby front? Can you imagine seeing him walking down the road pushing his and somebody else's baby, it would totally break you knowing you could no longer have a baby of your own.
His Mummy is a bit greedy, she already has two grandchildren in her family and she is making you feel inadequate. She should be more sensitive, how does she know that maybe you've been trying to start a family and you can't?
The next time his mother brings up babies, tell her you were so looking forward to getting married and having a family with her son just like he had always promised you. Unfortunately her son has totally misled you and refused point-blank to have children and the promised wedding seems to be a distant memory. Tell her you just wish you didn't love him so much so you could leave him and have the life you really want with someone who has the same goals and dreams.
That should shut her up and stop you feeling guilty about something that is absolutely 100% not your fault. No doubt she will talk to her son and that should make it quite clear to both of them exactly where you stand. I am certainly not saying that his Mother should badger him into marrying you, if it takes his mother forcing him down the aisle, this is not the man for you!
I'm wondering, are you really willing to go the rest of your life without a child without really resenting him if you want one so much? How will you really feel about him when it's too late to have one...only you know that.
I think if it was me and I was totally in love with the person, before I jumped the gun and called it a day on the relationship, I would have your doctor make an appointment for you with a very good fertility gynecologist to see if your hormone levels for conceiving etc are good. If there are any problems that would preclude you getting pregnant without the possibility of a lot of interventions if at all, would that make you feel differently about your position?
If you have a problem and you want Tina's advice, email: asktinak@gmail.com.
