Hi Tina, My problem is as follows, I have been married for a long number of years.
Before we got married my husband cheated on me twice, once with my best friend after we had a row. I always believed that he was trying to make me jealous but recently my friend was home for a few days and we met up.
I believe she was trying to get a lot off her chest and we started to talk about that time. She apologised but I dragged the conversation into the details.
Before my husband cheated they used to meet up for a drink some evenings, not too serious I thought but, when he told me about this after it happened, we were in the pub and my friend walked in.
I got up and left and he stayed with her for about 40 minutes. When I asked him about this 40 minutes he told me that they had discussed staying together.
He had told her we were almost certainly finished and they would have to keep a low profile and not be seen together for a couple of weeks but could meet up privately.
Our breakup dragged on for a couple of weeks before we got back together, in the meantime, my friend went back to her ex.
The second incident happened at a club with a different girl when I was not there but my friend was there with her ex. I was just late. I hadn't stood him up or he didn’t know if I had at that point.
Some months later we eventually got married really young and within a couple of years he lost all interest in having sex with me.
Some incidents happened over the years that he told me about. Girls came onto him but nothing happened which I believe but, I just couldn’t understand how he got himself in these tight spots.
One incident did jar me though. A mutual acquaintance would come to my house to do some computer work from time to time and anytime I was there I thought they got on really well, a bit of flirting etc.
One day he was showing her a job and she slapped him on the ass. I only heard this and wasn’t sure but they both laughed at this all the way into the study.
When I asked him if she slapped him he denied it. He only admitted it recently when we were discussing the above, he said nothing happened, but I think if the right circumstances came along it would have. At this time he wouldn’t touch me with a stick.
The betrayal is so raw again and what is unforgivable is he let me make a decision without knowing the full details of what was going on.
If I had known he was thinking about leaving I would have walked, so I believe he wasted both of our lives. We could have found other people and maybe people that would have wanted to be with each of us. I just won’t get over it, I know what kind of person I am, I’m kind of ashamed for some reason.
Please help if you can, I have made my own decision and I can’t live with it, I love him but I can’t go on with this, please tell me straight what you think, I would like to know if I’m being childish, even if I am I can’t change the way I feel.
Many thanks. I hope you can give me a straight answer Tina. I can't deal with wishy washy stuff.
Tina's response:
The thing that strikes me most about your email and many of the other emails I receive, is the number of people being cheated on who feel ashamed even though it's not their fault, you should actually feel very angry.
This person who you love and trusted has betrayed you, in fact two people who you loved and trusted have betrayed you, your husband and your best friend.
Funny how the guilt must have been eating her up over the years that she finally decided to come clean with you. I wonder did her partner ever know what she was up to because you say she went back to him when you and your then boyfriend got back together? Don't forget, you're not alone in this, her partner has been going through the same thing but then, maybe he didn't realise it or they didn't stay together.
This other so-called friend coming to your house, under your roof and flirting openly is a slap in the face. It goes to show how at ease they were with their indiscretion and how very sure he is that you won't leave him - basically he can do what he likes and there will be no repercussions from you.
Some incidents happened over the years with women coming onto him but nothing happened? Really? He must have sent out vibes to make them so at ease with hitting on him. He's proved over the years that he's lied openly to you and then later, for some unknown reason, he's decided to come clean. It's a bit like a cat playing with the dying mouse, he won't have sex with you but he gets pleasure out of telling you the number of women who come on to him, that's just plain nasty and worse, cruel.
I'm just very sorry you have wasted so many years on someone who clearly doesn't appreciate you instead of, as you said, each meeting other people who would have loved and cared for you. It's an awful waste of your life because each of us are only here once so we really have to make the very best of the time we have.
Your husband sounds like he has led his life with you almost as a single person, openly flirting, discussing leaving you for another person. When I found out my husband was having an affair on the other side of the world, I divorced him, not because I was devastated but because I'm not great at rewarding bad behavior. I feel if you forgive them once, it gives them carte blanche to do it again.
Most women or men in your position are incredibly upset when they find out about a partners indiscretion, it's only natural and at the time, you think you can't live without them but, eventually you wake up to the fact that you have been very badly treated, it's not like a loving partner has died and left you on your own, your so-called loving partner has cheated on you and left you on your own. There is no sex in your relationship and yet your husband sounds like a player so, I wonder how he’s managing all these years?
Why is he staying, is it a matter of the house and money or is it just too easy to live with someone who doesn't complain and upholds their end of the marriage contract?
Do you work, could you afford to live on your own, do you own a house that could be sold and divided up between you so you could start again? If you truly feel the answer is no, that you couldn't manage on your own then you're going to have to think seriously about discussing with him leading two separate lives under one roof which is not easy. You would have to ensure that neither of you brought partners to the family home for overnight stays as that would be too hurtful to you but, finally coming to some arrangement would give you the opportunity to start again and hopefully find some happiness.
If you have a problem and you want Tina's advice email: asktinak@gmail.com
