Dear Tina, I wonder if you could give me some advice as I would like another woman's perspective on a problem I have. I'm a woman in my late 60s and five years ago my husband left me for another woman because he said I was boring to live with.
I was very upset at the time but since then I have met another man and we get on very well and I really like him.
My ex-husband contacted me two weeks ago to say he had made a mistake, that he had taken out a barring order on his partner as she had been physical with him and he would like to come home, not only for me but for our children who are now in their early 20s.
Although I know he is probably using me and I really do have a great deal of affection for my new partner, I wonder for the sake of our children whether I should go back.
Tina's response:
Well, it would appear he certainly hasn't led a boring life since he walked out on you and the children with his need to apply for a barring order with his choice of new partner.
Should you agree to him returning to your home, NO…absolutely not! Nowhere did you say your children (who by the way aren't children anymore, they are adults in their 20s), were upset and pining for their father who upped and left them, probably without a backward glance, to be with his less boring, aggressively physical new love of his life?
Five years ago they were probably going through exams, never mind the difficult teenage years but that didn't seem to affect his decision. He managed to skip those aggravating teenage years leaving you to cope single-handedly…don't forget that. He has no right to say he wants to come 'home'.
This is not his home. He forfeited it the day he waltzed out the door with his lover! Strange your new partner doesn't find you boring… maybe it was the company you were keeping back then that made you dreary company! You are 100% being used, he probably has nowhere to go but don't you be that gullible person who falls for 'I made a mistake'. He made 'a mistake' and now he has to live with it.
You have a lovely set-up with someone you really like and who likes you for who you are. You've moved on with your life and imagine how your new partner would feel being dumped the minute somebody who dumped you came back on the scene. This certainly wouldn't say a lot for your present relationship and you definitely wouldn't be able to salvage it should your errand husband decide to take off again once he found something more interesting.
This man you're with now has invested time and affection in your relationship together. I take it your children get on with him otherwise it may not have lasted this long. This situation, the break up of your marriage, was forced on you through no fault of your own…he didn't say you were cruel or nasty, just boring to him so don't be a fool and let him back into your lives -imagine the upset it will cause all round.
Could you really just pop back into bed with him as though nothing had happened? Knowing he's been wining and dining and entertaining, in the most personal of ways, another woman.
Have you discussed your thoughts with your children? What do they think about this whole situation, taking into account your best interests, not theirs or their fathers? You're the one who would have to pick up the pieces when recriminations start flying over the dinner table and you could find yourself back at square one without your present partner or their daddy.
He may be difficult to get rid of because he's desperate at the moment but remember, it may only be a fleeting visit until something 'better' catches his eye and he's off again. You are in your late 60s, and it can be difficult to recapture what you have been lucky enough to have now.
Do yourself a favour, leave everyone exactly where they are now and don't upset the applecart, everything in your life is calm. Let him back in and he just may sell the house from under you!
If you have a problem and you want Tina's advice email: asktinak@gmail.com
